That sentence changed my life.
I was chatting to a friend over a cup of tea, when she mentioned she’d recently been to a gathering* and overheard two of the women there talking about me.
Woman 1 was telling a story of something horrendous (loudly enough for the other people there to hear) I’d said. Woman 2 replied with “you know what she’s like“.
That exchange was meant to be made without me ever knowing about it, and to be honest it would be easier to never have known. I wouldn’t have suffered panic attacks about it for over 2 years, I wouldn’t have felt (as much of the) shame I do when I see these women, I wouldn’t have contemplated moving away, or worse.
But I did find out. And so here, after years of that event eating away at my mental health I’m setting it free, trying to make something positive from it, and not letting something like that ruin my life again.
To many people, this would seem a huge overreaction, and I can totally appreciate that. But that’s where I differ – it wasn’t until the age of 35 that I learned I’m not like ‘many people’ – I’m neurodivergent, I have ADHD. I didn’t even “know” what I was like at the point that statement was made – so how could they?!
And that’s why that phrase, used in that situation was such a trigger to me.
Because I knew exactly what she meant: “She’s a loud, annoying, idiot. Always bragging or boring us with crap we aren’t interested in.”
I remember the exchange in which I’d obliviously offended Woman 1. I’ve replayed it in my head hundreds of times wishing I’d never spoken to her that day.
I had in fact been trying to compliment her and my words had come out wrong, like they so often do. Woman 1 is a quiet sort so didn’t let on I’d said anything to have caused any offence, and yet it turned out that I had and it wasn’t until weeks later, once multiple other women from the same social group had heard what an awful bitch I was, that I knew that I’d upset her.
So no chance of me being able to explain what I’d actually meant. It would just look like me trying to bullshit anyway. The damage was done. And, let’s be honest, they already all knew what I was like – so what was the point?
Too many Prosecco parties* had already been and gone, and I’m sure there have been lots of laughs about everything else I’d said and done wrong. Just like school and various workplaces. This wasn’t going to be any different.
As much as I’ve spent my life trying to fit in, be kind, say and do the right thing: I just don’t.
I don’t fit in.
I say and do the wrong things accidentally.
My kindness is rejected.
And the shame I felt in hearing about that exchange was my breaking point. There was no point anymore trying to make friends or fit in. I was never going to be a ‘normal’ person like them.
They’ll probably never ‘know what I’m like’ but at least I’m starting to finally get a sense of it. And I’m hoping with that I can be a happier and healthier me.
Thanks if you read this. Have you experienced the same? I’d love to hear. And have future posts planned about my diagnosis journey, treatment, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and other areas of ADHD/Life.
Speak soon, Victoria x
*To which I wasn’t invited. No surprise.
You Know What She's Like 